I had a little more to say from my last post, but man it was long as it was right? So I saved it for another day. I wanted to say though, that I sincerely appreciate all of the e-mails and comments of support and prayer and condolence for myself and my family. It was, indeed, a great loss but I swear I felt him with me on many occassions and still do.
I know I sound crazy, but I could swear he was in my car with me on the way to his graveside service telling me to turn that "crap" off - that "crap" being some form of hip hop something or other. haha. So, of course I immediately reached over and turned the radio off, and I was alone again. haha. Go figure.

So, anyway, the service was lovely. There were flowers everywhere, the people from the home were very caring, many people had wonderful things to say about him and he looked absolutely beautiful. The wind could have chilled out a little, but other than that...it was lovely.
I hated to see him go and I hated to see my loved ones hurt so much, but it all did turn out nicely (as I've been to some funerals in my day that left a blank stare on my face), so above all I am so thankful that everything turned out so nice and the many people that took the time to come to the funeral and pay their respects and then make the long trek out to Hawley for the burial services.
Thank you all for caring for them so much.

On to my next story, something that I kept to myself awhile back, for the most part. I'm feeling like letting it all out lately. I'm thinking this will be my last "this personal" post on this blog though and will move all of that to a personal blog. Back to business...

I did have to ask my Uncle one thing, one final favor but a very very important favor that I feel only he could carry out properly. I asked that while he is in Heaven that he keep an eye out for a baby boy. He's still pretty new there. My Uncle adored children and was so much fun and such an amazing role model. I asked that perhaps if he found a baby Sawyer, that he keep watch on him and maybe play with him and keep him company for awhile. Sawyer joined the angels in Heaven a few weeks ago. His Mom and Dad have to wait until they get there to see him smile and hold him again, but I know they know he is safe and I hope they will know that he will be entertained with silly antics of a crazy ol' cowboy from Texas and have someone to play with him and hold him until they are again reunited.
If you are curious about the story of little Sawyer, you can click here:
http://mom4life.typepad.com/mom_4_life/from_a_mom_4_life/index.html
or the link to this blog is always over to the right there. Mom4life.

A heart wrenching story of a friend of a friend, who recently experienced a loss that I simply cannot fathom going through. She has been absolutely astounding with the fact that she has blogged I think perhaps daily? Openly shared her heart, her anguish, her reflection and most of all this wisdom that is simply surreal. The only way I can describe it.
I have cried right along with many others, I'm sure, as I've read her posts, watched the slideshow and just felt her heartbreak in my own. Wishing that I could hop on a plane and just go and HOLD this perfect stranger to me. Through all of this though, as I read and have tears streaming, she says something almost daily that makes me, quite literally, say "wow" out loud. Profound things, this mind of hers is out of this world. I know that the things she has posted and will continue to post, will really help heal so very many others that have perhaps even gone through something similar before, or - unfortunately - have yet to. Her wisdom and way with words is simply beautiful and something that should definitely be shared with the world. Even if you can't identify on any level at all with what she has gone through, I feel that things that she says there, can be utilized in many many other aspects of day to day life.

I just happened to be reading night before last and the entire post, but most definitely the end of it, was exactly what *I* needed to read at that exact moment in dealing with my own grief. It was so profound and enlightening and true and, I think, in this situation simply helpful to basically ANYONE grieving or in any pain of any kind. I hope she does not mind that I copied it to print and give to my grandmother and aunt, and one to keep for myself because I know it is something I could go back and read many times through out the rest of my life and be comforted by what she said that day.
Unfortunately on a very very small level I could relate to part of her thoughts of the day. Seeing the young man and imagining what Sawyer would have looked like, and what he would have been like. Of course we mothers, I'm sure all of us, have had daydreams of what our children will look like when they are grown, what they will be like and of course, how much they'll adore their Mommy's right?

My loss, while still painful, I can honestly say pales to near translucent in comparison, but it was nonetheless a painful and confusing loss. I can see a little girl. It’s as far as I ever got it in age...maybe 5 or 6 years old. The only reason I felt it was a girl is because, well one for the drama surrounding the situation for starters - ha! but because with both boys, I smelled tuna fish sandwiches. Constantly. I do not eat tuna. I even craved them a bit, not much but the smell was simply crazy. This last time, I was smelling yogurt. Something I also do not like, but I could not figure out why on EARTH I was smelling yogurt all the time. I went so far as to sniff my kids thinking perhaps they'd broken into the fridge. It was that intense! I would walk around the house thinking I was a bloodhound on a trail trying to find this yogurt haunting. Then when I found out this miraculous and astronomical news, I knew, I mean I KNEW that it was a girl. I knew what her name would have been without a second thought, regardless of how many people thought it was dumb or hated it. I knew it.
Then, when my miracle was taken away just as fast as I'd been made aware of it, I saw her. In my mind a very PERFECT vision of her. Her name would've fit perfectly as well. I won't divulge the name, but it simply meant, "Wild Spirit". Apparently she was just that, her spirit was too wild to stay with us at this time. We will not ever have another baby again physically, but who knows what the future will bring for us. I've always said, since I was a kid, that someday, someway, somewhere and somehow there would be a child that needed me and I would rescue that child. I still feel in the pit of my stomach that will likely happen someday, but again. Who knows?
As I was reminded with this miracle and then painful loss, we're not really in charge of a damn thing and what the hell do we even KNOW anyway? I think we just have to learn from our life day to day and that is in itself, the reason behind it. The meaning of life is knowledge, learning from your life and growing from it and moving on to learn the next thing.
Perhaps someday I will be walking in that field of tall golden grass at dusk and that little girl with her long wild hair blowing in the blinding golden light will no longer have her back to me, but turn to me and smile. Perhaps I will stick with the two beautiful amazing boys that I have, as was the original intention and learn this lesson in another way. Perhaps I will stand in that field and that little girl will turn to me and smile at her Grandma.

Who knows? Someone does, but its not me and I'll just have to wait and see. Even though things hurt like hell sometimes, I still like surprises too. I always feel that one of these days, I'll will look back on this one event in my life and think to myself, "Ooooh, that's what that was all about and this is the event it prepared me for".
Smack myself on the forehead, by George! I've got it! It happens a lot, I'm pretty used to it nowdays.

Never waste a single moment - Part III

On Saturday May 31st I heard that he likely had lung cancer. Bad, bad lung cancer, inoperable but that when something new came up, I'd get an update.
On Sunday June 1st I got a call at 8 in the morning (which is early for this girl) that he had been rushed to the hospital the night before and was in ICU and it was not looking good. When I arrived, the prognosis had changed to him just spending a few days in ICU and going from there. Shortly after I arrived it was changed again to extremely serious and my aunt began making arrangements to have her sons get home to see their Dad one last time. Then within a couple of hours it was gain changed to perhaps not so bad, no promises but he was an amazing man (per the dr. even, who was quite speechless at this).
Perhaps due to the phenomenal rate that the tumor was shrinking, it was just a complication of that because apparently his treatments were working fantastically. Everyone relaxed, just a little. About an hour later, the frantic nurse came out calling for the family. I stayed behind because I did not know what was really going on. My cousin came to get me, I needed to go in right away.
Now, I will say I'd never really decided where I sat on this particular subject. I thought that I was going in to say "good-bye" before he went and that I would go back to the waiting room and wait for the news. However, as I stepped in, he was going. Many people, and I myself had in the past, said that they would not like to remember their loved one like this. However, really when you think about it, is that really fair? Would you want no one to be with you in your final moments because they only wanted to remember you as healthy and vibrant? That is not the way the story ends for that person, it ends with them being ill and well...with the inevitable for us all, death. I was not prepared and was not expecting what I walked in on, but, I was there. I was there for him, with him. I was there with my Grandmother and my aunt and my other aunt, and my cousins. He was surrounded on all sides with people that absolutely adored him, loved him and were telling him it was okay, he could go.
Watching my aunt through this as her husband was slipping out of this life and into the next phase, I don't know how to say it without sounding morbid, but it was beautiful. She has this way she talks to people that I've always loved, it is so soothing and just special. She spoke to him like this; she petted his hair until the very end. She was not concerned for her own loss; she was simply supporting him and comforting him so that he could peacefully move on. My Grandmother comforted him and held his hand, I held hers with his. His sister held his other, his son sat beside him and many others stood around telling him of how much they loved him and that it was okay to let go.
While on one note, it was beyond heartbreaking and still puts an enormous lump in my chest to go back to that moment, it was also so beautiful and my beautiful uncle deserved nothing less. I sincerely hope that people do have an out of body experience and are able to look down upon the room. I hope that he was able to see, what an impact he had on those around him and how deeply he was loved. If nothing else, I would take the greatest comfort in that. To see that in his very last moments on this earth, for his last breaths he was surrounded, supported, comforted and most of all loved. I still cannot believe he is gone. I can't believe that I can not drive down that long narrow tree lined road to his home and hear him outside whistling through his teeth walking around a corner with his thin plaid pearl snap shirt and worn out cowboy hat. I drove down that very road last night to go to my Granny's house and the instant I turned at the corner, memories literally FLOODED me at once. I drove very slowly, because he would have driven very slowly. Driving by his house and past it to my Grandmothers. I remembered how hard he'd worked on growing that Weeping Willow tree. How much time he spent watering all of those trees trying to make them grow, how much pride he took in his yard. I remembered him cussing the people that drove too fast down his road, "People think this is the damn Indy 500 out here!”

Sitting in my Granny's living room, 3 times someone opened the door and walked through and all three times I was shocked when it was not him. Disappointed that he'd not come over to squeeze me to death again. Then, of course, realizing that my last visit, when he met my youngest son for the first time, was the last of those squeezes.

Having someone like him in my life, though, gave me the ability to say how thankful I am right now though. Through my grief, and witnessing the grief of so many people that I dearly love I can clearly see the things to be thankful for. I am thankful that I was not in England but still right here when he went. I am thankful that I was able to kiss him, hug him and tell him I loved him one last time before he went. Thankful that he was coherent enough to squeeze my hand, lean up to attempt a hug and let me kiss his forehead and wink when I told him how much I loved him. I am beyond thankful for that moment indeed. I am thankful that I was able to be there for my Grandmother to lean on physically and emotionally, even if I offered no better support than a fence post, it was something right? I am eternally thankful for all that he did for me. Thankful that he loved me the way he did, that he and my aunt and their boys always welcomed me into their home like it was absurd to think I should not be there. I am thankful that I knew him, that I was lucky enough to love him, that I got all those squeezes through out the years.
I will surely long for another one of those for the rest of my life, but at least I can long for them, I couldn't long for something I never had you know.

At this moment I send out prayers to my family, his extended family, friends, neighbors and anyone ever touched by him. I pray that everyone will know that he did not have to suffer, he is in a better place and he knew he was going there, he let us all know that. He knew he was going and he was ready to go. I pray that everyone can do as my aunt wished of us all, to celebrate him. She will hold his hand again one day, for now she just wanted everyone to celebrate him. It is what he would have wanted. They had something I always admired. Still in love after so very many years, strong, steadfast and unquestionably made for one another.
On Saturday he mowed his Mama's yard and on Sunday he was reunited with his Daddy and Grandparents and may other friends and family members.

Never waste a single moment - Part II

Always there to hold my hand.

There was one man. One man in my life that has had such an enormous impact. Someone that I adored above all others (until I met my sweetheart and had my two little men) but he still ranked very high. Did he know that though? Most likely not. Not anymore, because I suck. In case I did not mention that yet. I suck.

My childhood etc... Is entirely too personal and long and icky to get into. I'll just say that he really stepped up to the plate when he certainly did not have to, but he did. He always did. That was just his nature. He adored me, he loved me so much, and he tried to hug the life out of me every time he ever saw me. (Well, he either loved me that much or I annoyed him that much and he really was trying to squeeze me to death). ha!

He was so thoughtful all the time, thoughtful doing things for others, but I mean contemplating whatever it was that he was contemplating all the time. Always so deep in thought, always lost in admiring something that anyone else never even noticed. He shared the things that we should pay attention to with me; he shared a lot of things with me. He shared his wisdom, his very goofy jokes, his heart, his humor, his home, his own family and even his chocolate milk with me.

He was so much more than what his official title brings to most people's minds. He was my uncle. Not just any uncle mind you, he was UNCLE TOMMY. Any other uncle on the face of the planet would pale in comparison. He would come get me just so we could hang out. I would spend weeks on end invading his home, his fridge and his sofa. I am pretty sure, overall, I spent more time there than anywhere. When he was not working, he was helping someone. Be it a neighbor, a family member...or a bug even. He was tough as nails and tender as a kitten. He could go out and work an oil rig or probably wrestle a bear into submission with his bare hands and then come sit down to a tea party and wear a bonnet if he was asked to by a cute little girl with blonde hair and long stringy legs, or a little girl with black hair, blue eyes and a little button nose...and most recently a little girl with light brown hair and blue eyes and a smile a mile wide. He was there to comfort and console and offer advice through some pretty rough times, he was there to tease me endlessly to toughen me up and just there when he knew I just needed someone. Just there.

He'd take me storm chasing with him, which I'm certain he'd have gotten in big trouble for if my aunt or Granny would've known it. He'd just take me for a ride in his old beat up truck; he'd show me a spot at the creek or the sunset over some pasture out in the middle of nowhere that no one else on earth had likely ever seen. He taught me how to drive his old Ford pick up on the back roads when I was maybe 13. He'd buy me a Dr. Pepper and a Snickers bar on his way to pick me up because it was what I loved most.

I always knew, even when we had not been in touch very often at all that if I were a thousand miles away and I needed him, he'd have been there faster than was humanly possible. He was my father figure and I am SO very proud for that because he was a damn good one. He was a Dad, an Uncle, a friend, an advisor. He was made of steel with a heart of gold. He was superman, John Wayne and Santa Clause.

He devoted his entire life. His every single day to his family. Married young, that's all he'd ever known. Family. It is all that had ever mattered to him. He spent his life loving and caring for his family. Family didn't mean you had the same DNA either. It may have been a neighbor, someone else in town, someone from church...someone broken down on the side of the road. I honestly never figured out when he actually slept. He was so beautiful in every way. Things that I will NEVER forget, that have always stuck with me and always will. His laugh, from a chuckle, to a belly laugh to that very silly giggle he had. When I think back to it, it makes my heart happy and always makes me smile. Some of the sayings he had. I don't care if you cut your left leg off playing with a plastic knife; I guarantee he'd had a worse place on his eye ball at some point in his life. His mustache. He always had a mustache. I've tried to think back and recall if I can remember him without it, I'm sure he might not have had it always, but it’s the only way I can really remember him in the time that I knew him. Sort of scruffy, a rust color is the best way to describe it.

What an amazing man. Anyone that knew him was blessed to have known him and they knew it right away. I wish that I would not have been so stubborn and would have spent every new moment I could with him. I wish that my children would've known him enough to adore him and look back at the photos of them together (that I don't have) and smile. How much more beautiful could one person be? Not to say he did not tell everyone that very thing quite often. ha!

Still to be continued...

Never waste a single moment - Part I

I have many, many things that I should be doing. For myself, for my family, for my friends, for my clients. So many things that always seem so pressing and often get in the way. I know I've mentioned a time or two how horrible I am at getting caught up in working that I basically have my head shoved so far up my derriere it takes a crowbar to get it out.I try so hard, harder and harder the older I get to keep my head out in the air. To TRY so hard to see people. I don't mean to look at them and stare blankly, but to SEE them. Who they are. To let them know how important they are, how amazing they are, but somehow I tend to get tongue tied.
Sometimes I think I'm like a man (sorry guys if I offend, but let's face it...y'all ARE like this, no matter how great you are in every way - we'll just be blunt).

I have so very much to say, how much I love someone, how greatly they have impacted my life, what an important role they play in the lives of everyone they come in contact with. Instead I stand there, before this said person staring blankly, mouth agape a bit of drool escaping (at least that is the best mental image I can give, pretty sexy huh?). Being one to talk way more than I should and taking 3 hours to spit out something that takes normal people 3 minutes, you'd think I would find some way of getting it out. I fail miserably time and time again. Often, writing is the best form of communication for me because I can revise it. Many that know me much at all know that I am afflicted with a mouth that speaks too quickly for my brain to edit the words first. Too many years of being verbally oppressed will do that to a person.

You have likely noticed that this particular post is going in a different direction than any others really have. That is because I have something very important to share with anyone and everyone willing to read and if you read, I beg that you please sit back and process what I am trying to say. I am so compelled to say things, that I must torture anyone who reads me here, with some personal stuff. I have often been torn on how much to share here, I am a very open person and fear that sometimes I am too personal. I have nothing to hide and feel no need to. I like to base my business on being "anti-professional" to an extent. If you've had a session with me, you've kind of figured that much out. If you expected a suit and heels or even something more than a band tee and flip flops, I am certain to have disappointed. I don't really think that I draw the clientele that expects that anyway and it’s a good thing because they wouldn't like my style from one side to the other. That said it seems that there are signs smacking me in the forehead time and again. Like I'm cruising on a conveyer belt getting stamped right between the eyes, "Blind" and then "Ignorant" and perhaps "lost". It is so unfortunate that this year has brought much tragedy before my eyes. Not just for me, but for friends, or even friends of friends. Things that simply touch you in a sad way. Things that have literally had me bawling and physically aching for people that I've never laid eyes on, to my own personal losses.

Now, I will admit, that I am religiously challenged. I took some time away from it, and have tried to find my way back for awhile and can never find that comfortable fit. I began slowly and carefully inching my way back toward it again as things continually happened. I am most definitely a "hippie" at heart if you will. I fully believe in signs and fate and my good friend karma. The signs have simply stacked up one right after the other over the past several months.The year of 2007 ended and 08 began with a loss of my very own. Something that I really did want to share, on one hand just so anyone that was needing stuff from me on a business level would please be understanding to what was going on in my family. On another hand just because I am human and in some ways, it’s nice for anyone else that has been through it or is even going through it to know they are not alone. With the unusual circumstances of this situation, I really wanted to share because I spent countless sleepless nights searching the internet for some sort of information. Some form of an answer, the answer I still have yet to find, but I was trying to find some way to begin the healing. To just get a remote, even stupid answer if I could find it as to WHY. I had to basically put everything to the side and focus on myself and my family, and I do hope that in some way a few people at least got the hint that I had to do that, that there was something going on and I was not just being a pain in the butt.I could not find my answers, or even a bit of comfort so I put it away for a bit and carried on. It surely came back to bite me in the rear with a vengeance only a short while later. I'm still not certain what the message is in this situation, but I know I will find it some day. I've had some pretty big messages take 20 years to take shape, so that I was old enough to understand it. Who knows when I will be able to read the message, but I just have to take it as it comes and know that someday I will know. I do believe that. Any of us that go through incomprehensible situations will someday know why it happened. We will understand why, it made us stronger, it made us better able to deal with a situation that is yet to come, but since none of us know how to see the future, we just have to trust that we will one day be enlightened.

Oh...here I go again (sorry Jayne). Anyone else could just say what they needed to and quite eloquently I am sure in 2 paragraphs. The basic point I want to make is, something we hear all the time but often don't pay a lot of attention to. We're invincible right? Those things will never happen to us. We just can't imagine it; we're not holding that particular situation in our hands, so how can we REALLY relate to it? I will say, do NOT take time for granted, it keeps ticking away whether we act fast enough or not. Do NOT take those who love you for granted; they or you will not always be here. Do NOT let petty things get in the way of relationships that are so very important. Do NOT spend your life saying, "I'll call tomorrow, I'll visit next week, I'll play with them in a couple of hours". You will forget the phone number by tomorrow. They won't be there to visit next week and in a couple of hours? They'll be grown and busy with their own lives and likely learned from you, that they don't have time to visit you, they'll visit next week.

I am so guilty of all of those excuses I should hide under a rock for eternity. However, I have too many phone calls to make, too many visits to take care of and a whole LOT of playing to get done. The rock shall wait. I'll deal with it, and I will stand up and own it. I suck. I have not been a great daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, niece, wife and sadly, Mom. I had so many things I had to get done. When all I think about is being able to kick off my shoes and run across fresh green grass in my bare feet and sit quietly in a field and watch the sun set inch by inch, hold my Grandmothers hand and hear stories of where I come from, kiss my children too many times in one day, make sure my husband really understands how special he is, do something totally silly with my sister, laugh with my friends, sit around with my aunts and uncles and cousins and for goodness sakes, CALL MY DAD!
Many years ago, I let a "person" get in the way of many of my relationships. Basically all of them in some form or fashion. That created a domino effect and even when that "person" was finally gone, it was so awkward to try to rebuild those relationships. So...I'd do it tomorrow. I'd set my pride aside and go take care of it next week. Now, I will give myself credit that I did indeed try to mend some of those broken fences, but was still so stubborn that I wasn't fully letting go. I wasn't fully just laying it all down and moving on. So it got nowhere, obviously.
From that, I lost one of my Grandfathers, who I adored without ever fully working past some absolutely absurd silly petty issues and just telling him how much he really did mean to me and that I loved him and thought of him all the time and adored the memories I'd have of him forever. I was not there to hold my Grandmother's hand as she dealt with the loss of her husband, her life partner, someone she'd woken up to for two of my lifetimes almost. I suck. I mentioned that already. Did I then go and fix things with everyone else? Well no. That would make me not suck quite so bad probably right? Yeah.

to be continued...

I think I wrote a novel

I have sat down and typed on a post all through out the day today. Possibly too personal for some, maybe not. If it is...maybe don't read it? Anyway, it turned out extremely long. Astonishing in fact. I had a lot to say...sue me. ;)
I already know the couple of friends that will simply cringe at the length and the wandering thought process, but eh... I felt compelled to say it. I don't have time to sit and edit out things. I feel that they are important.
SO. expect some posts in parts of 3. Maybe 4. It was really incredibly long.